Mature boundaries

A few days ago my friend said something when we were having a discussion on Twitter and I have been thinking a lot about it. The issue being discussed was why some women are not comfortable with their friends talking to their boyfriends/husbands and we all had different opinions on the issue. I for one do not mind having my friends talking to my husband and my friend Samke pointed out that she was grateful for that. As we continued the discussion, she then said something that led me to think about the reasons why people would have a problem with this, “it’s about being mature and knowing your boundaries.”

True, there are those people who are just insecure and or immature who are constantly thinking that their friends are always ready to stab them in the back or that their partners fall easily to temptations. Whilst we may laugh and ridicule people who are not fine with friends talking to their partners, there are many reasons that can contribute to that and Samke was definitely right about maturity and boundaries.

Sometimes we know the character traits of the people we call friends and sometimes we can get the shock of our lives when they show traits that we never knew could be used to define them. In simple terms, “umunt’ awungek’ um confirme”. I for one was once shocked when someone I considered as a friend told me that they were talking about me behind my back because they knew that I did not run in the same social circles as the people they were discussing me with.

Knowing what to talk about and where to draw the line with someone’s partner is crucial if you wish to maintain good relations with your friends. I have heard of people discussing their sex lives with their friend’s partners and I have to say, I for one find that disturbing. Why would you tell someone’s partner that you are sexually starved? I mean if you’re single are you trying to get them to scratch your itch and if you’re also in a relationship are you trying to have an affair? Inviting people into your bedroom issues is never wise and doing so with a friend’s partner truly is questionable.

In college, a fight broke out between two friends after a girl found a her boyfriend in bed with her friend. Apparently, the girlfriend was a virgin and the boy’s excuse was that since you were not giving it up to me I had to get it from somewhere else, and that is when all hell broke loose. The girls started fighting and the guy stood there watching. I always tell people to deal with their partners and not the other woman or man because when you prophesied your love or shared your vows, the other person was not there and even if they were, they do not owe you any loyalty, seek that from your lover.

That being said, there are those people you got introduced to by your partner as their friends and you assumed that they are our friends as well. Newsflash, THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS, and you might be surprised to find out that they are actually intimate with each other, have considered getting together once or twice when you were away or that they are the ones recommending who your partner should cheat on you with.

Then there are those people who will claim to be your(you and your partner)’s friend but in all honesty it’s your partner they are interested in and they are just keeping you close by to make sure that you don’t realize how your partner may be the object of their fantasies. I know someone who did exactly this, and even went on to send questionable pictures to her “friend’s” boyfriend. Instead of questioning the why, the girlfriend simply unfriended her, broke up with the guy and moved on with her life.

Now whilst we may talk about the friends in question, it’s important to find a partner who will respect you enough not to embarrass you by betraying you with a friend. If you know that you can’t trust your partner, then it’s best that they stop being your partner because if infidelity was the cause for the loss of trust then there’s a high likelihood that you will forever be searching for red flags.

I may be wrong but this is what I believe, there is need for maturity when it comes to these types of communications and we all have to respect each other and know where to draw the line.