Silence is golden

Have you ever wanted to speak up about something but the person you wanted to talk to either scared you or you knew they wouldn’t pay you no mind and instead you ended up being so frustrated with yourself for not having the guts to let yourself be heard. Sometimes you do eventually speak up after a long time of debating whether or not to mention whatever it is that’s bothering you, how you will phrase it so that I do not offend the person and when you will say it so that it’s in an environment that will make topic acceptable to the intended recipient. With all the strife brought on by staying quiet I can’t help but wonder how whoever coined the term, “silence is golden”, came to that conclusion.

I don’t have a lot of friends, one would even argue that I do not have any friends at all, which is all fine by me honestly I enjoy the company of books and words more and friendships seem to be a lot of work if I’m being honest. I remember one time, someone was angry with me for not to them for over 2 weeks and they were so pissed off they threatened to, “cancel our friendship”, I almost begged them to do so instantly because that was too much pressure for me. We are adults and we have lives, I can go for weeks and months without even speaking to you but if I consider you as a friend and you come to me in need of a shoulder to lean on or simply an ear to listen I will still be there for you as I would have if we were speaking on a daily. All I’m trying to say is that, these days friendships seem to be too taxing and I for one am not willing to pay.

When I moved to a new city, I spent most of my time with one person and they were okay with that. They didn’t like hanging out with the other people I knew because they considered their conversations to be too “shallow” for them, and I couldn’t dispute it because there was truth in their deduction. So as time went on if I was not with that person I was with that person and their friends. If you ever transferred to a new school and had to join a new clique of friends then I’m sure you’re aware of how some moments you felt out of place and could not relate to some of the conversations.

My friend always encouraged me to speak up if ever anything was bothering me so that our friendship would not suffer from things we chose to bottle up. Now, if you’re someone who mostly enjoys their own company and hates the inconvenience of having to dress up to be around people then most likely you prefer to have people call at least a few days in advance to let you know that they are coming to visit. So one time my friend decided to visit which I was fine with but they brought along their other friends and on that particular day I was not in the mood for “good old days” conversations which would leave me wondering how long the conversation would go on with me being silent and everyone else enjoying the sound of their own voice as they reminisced.

When it was the two of us left I told my friend how sometimes I didn’t want to be around their friends all the time just like they never wanted to be around my people. At the end of the conversation, I started to believe that maybe silence really is golden because the attitude I got just left me feeling shocked and drained by the entire discussion. They simply told me that if I had a problem with the topic being discussed I should simply start the conversation otherwise they would go on and talk about things that were interesting to them. I had so much to say but decided to keep my peace and leave them be and slowly withdrew myself even from them because they were not willing to listen or hear what I had to say. When they realized I was distant they then asked what the problem was and I simply said nothing, not because there was nothing wrong but because there was everything wrong with how they had received my news of discomfort in the first place. My peace of mind was worth so much more than me trying to explain something to someone who was not willing to see things from my point of view.

I was left wondering, how many people out there are afraid of confronting certain things in their friendships because they fear how what they have to say will come across to the next person. In some cases, we choose not to speak up because we’re scared of being labeled in a bad light when in actual fact none of what we had to say was coming from a dark place. There are people who choose to be peace keepers in friendships but they are the ones who always end up drowning in tears at night trying to find relief from all the things they have bottled up inside.

A friendship is supposed to be different from a relationship. They may be similar in that people have different character traits but unlike unhealthy relationships where you’re constantly miserable or in tears a friendship should be your go to place to escape such misery. But when you end up being sad and in tears because of a friendship then it might be best to take a step back and create a bit of distance from the toxicity before you end up resenting your friends and the sadness inside of you leads to you always being a victim of unspoken sadness or bitterness.